As I listened to Ashley Miller speak at the doctoral hooding ceremony about her fears of not graduating, of that dreaded email requiring one more course or one more draft, I realized how real my own fears had become. The time-line of defending my dissertation at the end of March, addressing the committee's recommendations in early April, sending the revised draft to my adviser soon afterwards, submitting the final dissertation to the graduate school before April 22, and the ceremony on May 13, intensified these fears rather than relieved them. And when I was in line to step onto the stage, I held back the urge to look inside the cardboard tube with the University of Louisville seal to see if anything was inside.
The ceremony marked the transition to "Doctor" as one to be taken with great responsibility. Dr. Beth Boehm, vice provost for graduate affairs, assured our families that a terminal degree meant "the end"--no more coursework or dissertation drafts. Yet, this journey is just beginning. As doctoral students, we learned how to create new knowledge. Through our doctoral programs, we discovered the needs within our communities. Our new terminal degrees have positioned us as researchers, creators, and problem solvers.
Through courses in education and literacy theory, teaching writing, cognitive coaching, and qualitative research design and methods, I discovered the need for "small data." I am prepared to analyze trends, identify learning gaps, and further disaggregate data as tiny lenses into education; yet, more exists to be seen and heard. My dissertation research study narrated the stories of a teacher leadership team and the liaisons across the country who developed and implemented a Literacy Design Collaborative professional development workshop called Assignments Matter. Narratives such as these show us effective ways into big data. Teacher and student narratives help us see the faces behind the numbers.
Inspired by the speakers' encouraging words, my adviser Dr. Penny Howell's vote of confidence, and my professor Dr. Lori Norton-Meier's special congratulations, I enter the next phase of my education. Empowered with the knowledge of how to create new knowledge, I attend to the literacy and professional development needs within education through organizations such the Illinois Writing Project. And although I hesitated to add "Ph.D." to my C.V. until it was official, I now have a signed parchment that no one can take away from me--I'd like to see them try.
Good stuff Amy. A thoughtful, and introspective piece that provides an "honest" assessment as you continue into this next phase of your career.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing....and posting this online for others. :)
-Ian
I think I skipped that whole phase emotionally. It went from editing to interviewing to moving and prepping for classes so quickly I don't think I ever really took a breath to notice the "phd process" was over. People talk about post dissertation blues and all I want to ask is ...did you go into higher edu? Too busy for that :)
DeleteThank you, Ian! I am glad others can relate.
DeleteAnd I have this time to reflect about the process and those final weeks in the PhD program while job searching. Moving is not an option, so a job in higher education has to be local. In Illinois, that leaves more time for writing. ;)
Amy, I am so glad that you are involved in the Illinois Writing Project. Hopefully, now that our are "Doctor Vujaklija" after persevering through the PhD program, you will find rewarding work. pat braun
DeleteAmy, I know exactly what you mean about the Ph.D. that no one can take away from you. That was the one truly emotional moment of pride I had when all was said and done :)
ReplyDeleteWhen my committee members called me "Doctor" after my defense it did not feel as real as when I stepped onto the stage and was hooded by my mentor. I'm not sure there are words to describe that feeling.
DeleteThis reality dawned on me nearly every week the year that followed my dissertation defense. My husband, children, colleagues, friends, whoever was around me in those frequent moments would hear a gasp or a sigh before I reminded myself out loud "I am done, so now I can..." such is the life of a life-long learner :). Congratulations, Amy!
ReplyDeleteThanks! My husband asked what LAS would be like (Life After Student). My mentor said it wasn't much different than LAP (Life As Professor). Indeed, I'm looking forward to the possibilities!
DeleteLori Norton Meier co-led my first summer institute in 2002 in Manhattan, KS and will always have a special place in my teacher's heart. I enjoyed your post and would love to really unpack the ideas of the fear and anxiety that graduate school and life in academe more generally create in people. Why is that? Does it have to be this way? I've seen a number of otherwise healthy people fall ill and even die in my 9 years as a professor. I thought I was dying on multiple occasions, one severe enough to send me to the ER. Anxiety, stress, feelings of inadequacy, etc., seem to be the norm versus the exception.
ReplyDeleteDo you think the accountability pressures and the deficit perspectives toward education and educators have increasingly contributed to physical illnesses? Teaching in middle and high school for eleven years showed me one element of accountability, and then I watched as my adviser prepared for tenure. The process she went through showed me an entirely different element of accountability and stress.
DeleteThankfully, we have communities that can bring us together and provide us with needed support--NCTE, NWP, ILA to name only a few.